Acceptance
One of the key strategies underpinning resilience, Acceptance does not mean we simply allow everything to wash over us without attempting to intervene in any way. It simply means that we learn to let go of resistance to that which we cannot influence and, instead of reacting emotionally, simply taking what action one can to deal with what we can to make things better or progress goals.
An example of the application of this mental strategy if you are stuck in a traffic jam and need to be in an important meeting in ten minutes. What goes through your mind? How does your body react? For many of us we may get angry, banging the steering wheel, sitting on the horn or gesticulating at other drivers. This happens when we are caught in the grip of emotion. Fear, frustration or anger being commonly experienced. The problem is that when we allow ourselves to be carried away by the tide of such emotions we exacerbate the response which, often, is futile and leads against longer term aspirations. Everything looks distorted. We create all kinds of worst-case scenarios. We are going to be fired. We will not be forgiven, ever. We won't be understood and cannot recover. When we are caught in this way the mind often reconstructs a story from our past which we take to be true. We lose our ability to stand back, take perspective and see clearly what is wise in the moment.
Acceptance simply means the ability to not make things worse by our reaction to things happening in the moment. It is the embodied understanding that if we resist what is (and was) then we simply cause more suffering for ourselves and others. It is the felt understanding that once something has already happened it can't be reversed. We can't change the past but we can take skillful action that serves what is best in the moment.
Acceptance does not mean putting up with everything (or anything). It does not mean being passive or apathetic or indifferent to people or situations that you do not like. It simply means that we bring our best selves to difficult situations, not making matters even worse by adding resistance and the behaviour that is borne of it. We cannot always control the things that happen in our lives, but we can choose how we react to them, or, to quote Jon Kabat-Zinn (Kabat-Zinn 2009), “you can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf”.
If you can change it, why worry? And if you cannot change it, why worry?
When you find yourself in a dissatisfactory situation, either make an effort to change it or accept it as it is. This strategy simply removes stress, makes us happier and therefore likely to be able to react to life's storms with skill and resilience.
Do not let the feeling of dissatisfaction make things worse. Do not start an inner fight about it. In difficult situations, acceptance is often the best strategy for coping with stress and is the precondition for doing something about it.
Practice
Catch yourself in the midst of a reaction to an uncomfortable situation that you are unable to control.
Practise not resisting the situation as it is right now, letting it be, just for a moment, knowing that resistance to immediate discomfort will drive “autopilot” coping strategies that may not be constructive. Divert your full attention for a few moments to your breathing and let go of any resistance, self criticism, criticism of others, worries or fears. Accept what is.
Bring your attention to how you can make the best of the situation now you have a clear mind.
What does your “heart” really want from this situation now ?
What action would you take if you were to act in service of what you really want?
If you could look back on the situation from the future, what action would you have taken which would make you proud (as you look back on it).
Trust
Once we have “accepted” whatever the contents of the moment are, and then have been “curious” about the sub-conscious mental “stories” driving our experience in the moment, we may then bring the quality of trust to the situation so that we can let it be and simply move on with bringing our best to the context.
For this purpose, Trust means the ability to see clearly, in the MoC, that the mental / emotional process which is either compelling “useful” or blocking “unuseful” behaviour are “designed” to protect us from (normally emotional) discomfort. Trust also implies a “knowing” that, if we believe and act in service of the emotion or thought, this may cause us to do (or not do) something that causes even more damage than would happen if we simply “let it be”, remember our ‘practice”, and take action that serves our longer term goals and aspirations.
Practice
Catch yourself in a moment of frustration, fear of anger.
- Take a “moment of pause” similarly to what you have done under the heading of Patience, Curiosity, and Acceptance.
- After practising with the above qualities, particularly noticing whether the behaviour being blocked is, actually, genuinely unsafe.
- If the behaviour is not, actually, unsafe, contemplate the “cost” to you, and to others, of following the “unconstructive” pattern of behaviour which you desire to change. Contemplate the potential benefits of “letting go” of the unconstructive pattern and experimenting with the alternative behaviour which better serves your aspirations.
- Look through any short term discomfort that you are predicting towards the potential long term benefit of showing up in line with your aspiration for yourself.
- Activate the desired behaviour
- Journal the results (results measured in terms of “how you feel” rather than “what you got”.
- What are you learning from this practice?
Letting Go / Letting Be
Letting go is the ability to gently release unskillful or unproductive thoughts from our mental landscape. Quite often, we will get caught up in our thoughts; one leads to another and to another and so on until we are effectively “lost” in thought. This is known as “rumination” and was evolved to keep us safe from predation long ago.
The ability to let go of thoughts, rather than engaging or getting hooked into them, with them, makes our mind lighter and more flexible, like a computer after its hard disk has been cleansed. We can train ourselves to watch our thoughts and experiences just as though we are watching clouds moving across the sky without engaging, simply observing. In the same way as the sky is unchanged by the clouds passing through, the “self” is unchanged by thoughts coming and going. Remember from your own experience that thoughts come and go, and that they are not facts. Emotions come and go, and they are not “me”. Notice the power they want to have over your actions and see if you can muster the courage to, simply, let them be!
Bring the attitude of letting go in your work and your life. Looking at your “true” goals, and aspirations, let go of any unhelpful thoughts that arise in your mind.
Make this practice a habit.
